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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year

WASHINGTON—High-level sources in Washington confirmed today that CIA director David Petraeus was fully aware of his extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell almost a year before the story broke last week. “All evidence suggests Petraeus quite probably had extensive and detailed knowledge about his protracted sexual relationship with Paula Broadwell as early as last fall, shortly after he began having sex with her,” said former Army spokesman Steve Boylan, adding that Petraeus was likely well informed of his own adultery throughout the course of his entire relationship with Broadwell, and may indeed have had full knowledge of various intimate details of said relationship. “There is strong reason to believe that Petraeus came across explicit e-mails sent between Mrs. Broadwell and himself not long after he wrote them, and that his awareness of the romance was more or less confirmed somewhere around the time he began having a yearlong affair with her.” Additional sources concluded it was very likely Petraeus knew he was completely fucked about 10 seconds after resigning.

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