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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Solemn-faced sources confirmed today that you do not want to know anything at all about what is happening at this very moment to 36-year-old Saudi Arabian woman Assi Omran. According to reports, no matter what you think she might be going through, the reality is much worse, and you would unquestionably be better off just tuning this one out and focusing on something else entirely. Experts suggested that even a single glimpse of what she’s enduring right now would become permanently ingrained in your mind and inflict severe emotional damage—especially if you knew what that man is about to do with the hot pan of boiling water he’s just picked up from the stove, Jesus—so, clearly, the less said the better, agreed? Others stated that if you stop to consider that Omran lives in a nation in which she cannot even legally leave her house without the permission of the man presently doing unspeakable things to her, you will likely not make it through the rest of your day without suffering a complete psychological breakdown. In addition, sources said you’ll feel better if you don’t dwell on the fact that 14 million women live in Saudi Arabia and the same thing could happen to any one of them at any time.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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