adBlockCheck

Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Souter Hopes Roberts Is Into Birds

WASHINGTON, DC—Anticipating the confirmation of federal appeals court Judge John Roberts to the Supreme Court, Justice David Souter expressed hope Tuesday that his new colleague will be into birds. "For 15 years, I have found no one on the court who would so much as look at my sighting books or field guides," Souter said. "Perhaps one day after adjournment, [Roberts] and I could go to Kenilworth Park and look for red-necked stints." Souter added that it would also be nice if Roberts shared his feelings on abortion, states' rights, and the Cebu flowerpecker.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close