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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend

BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend while he and the rest of North Dakota goes on vacation. "If you could just turn on the state's irrigation systems around noon every day for about an hour, that'd be great," Hoeven said. "Oh, and just grab the mail and the newspapers, too, if you don't mind." Hoeven also left South Dakota with the phone numbers of neighbor states Minnesota and Montana in the event of an emergency.

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