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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Space Jam Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals

BOSTON—Actor Larry Bird, best known for his portrayal of Larry Bird in the 1996 film Space Jam, Larry Bird in the 1994 basketball drama Blue Chips, and Larry Bird in the 1996 comedy Celtic Pride, attended Game 2 of the NBA Finals Sunday night. "We were in the team huddle, and I look up, and there's Hollywood legend Larry Bird—the actor who played golf with basketball player Michael Jordan in Space Jam before Jordan got sucked into the hole that dropped him into Looneyland," said guard Ray Allen, adding that his teammates then began imitating Bird's delivery of the his signature "Where'd he go?" line from the film. "Of course, he got a huge standing ovation from the crowd when they announced his name. He was great in that movie." Bird had no comment when asked if he had any new projects in the works, only telling reporters that he was at the game to see if the actor from He Got Game was any good.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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