adBlockCheck

Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Television

Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down

PARIS—With talks collapsing at the 11th hour, Franco-American relations hit an all-time low Monday, casting the future of Spaghetti-Os-brand canned pasta in serious doubt.

Spaghetti-Os.

"Thus far, three months of negotiations have yielded bitter fruit," French minister of foods Guy Charpentier said. "Despite concessionary offers from both sides, no acceptable compromise has been reached on a number of key issues, including sauce tanginess, sodium levels, and pasta-ring size. As a result, the sort of friendly Franco-American partnership necessary to produce the neat, round spaghetti one can eat with a spoon may no longer be possible."

U.S. Canned Goods Secretary James Miller echoed Charpentier's sentiments with a terse, "Uh-oh... Spaghetti-Os are in grave jeopardy."

An ambitious Franco-American joint venture, Spaghetti-Os have been a source of tension between France and the U.S. since August, when the 10-year accord governing its production expired. U.S. delegates have refused to renew the pact unless numerous revisions are made, including a 60-40 split of profits.

"We contribute a majority of the ingredients, including all of the thiamine mononitrate, ferrous sulfate, and enzyme-modified butter—not to mention all the paper for the labels—so we should get a majority of the proceeds," Miller said.

At 11 a.m. Monday, operations at L'Usine Des Os, the world's largest Spaghetti-Os manufacturing plant, ground to a halt, leaving the world with as little as a week's supply of Spaghetti-Os in reserve. Meanwhile, French efforts to replace the O-shaped pasta with plain, easier-to-produce long spaghetti have proven fruitless, with the U.S. threatening to withhold Ravioli-Os from French supermarkets if there is an "embarg-O."

French prime minister Lionel Jospin and U.S. Canned Goods Secretary James Miller at last month's Franco-American conference.

The international dispute casts a pall over the proud and storied history of Spaghetti-Os. A symbol of trans-Atlantic friendship dating back to 1965, the canned lunchtime staple began as a cooperative effort between U.S. president Lyndon Johnson and French president Charles de Gaulle, who shared the conviction that the convenient pasta meal was a delicious and nutritious way to maintain good Franco-American relations.

From 1965 to 1968, a panel of top U.S. food engineers painstakingly developed the four sizes of Os while France's most esteemed chefs developed the distinctive tomato-and-cheese sauce. Unveiling Spaghetti-Os at a White House dinner, Johnson hailed the breakthrough as "the zesty, flavorful glue that holds our two nations together in peace." Subsequent development of meatball and sliced-frank varieties of the product only added to its enduring mythos.

After years of mutual amity, however, the Age Of Spaghetti-Os may have finally come to an end. More fuel was added to the fire earlier this month, when U.N. Secretary Of Quick-Heating Prepared Foods Stefan Fredriksen openly questioned the Franco-American venture in the November issue of Bon Appetit.

"In an age when Kellogg's Pop Tarts™ are being dropped on the impoverished people of Afghanistan, the notion that the U.S. and France would devote so much of their resources to the production of circular spaghetti is ludicrous," Fredriksen said.

In a stopgap attempt to alleviate the crisis, Italian minister of cuisine Hector Boyardee offered the Franco-American alliance an emergency airlift of "ABCs & 123s"-brand pre-cooked pasta. French officials declined the offer, however, due to their American counterparts' insistence on pronouncing "123s" "one, two, threes" rather than "un, deux, troises." In a recent speech to European convenience-food authorities, French President Jacques Chirac also preemptively rejected any Italian offer of pasta shaped like Spider-Man™.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close