Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

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Vol 40 Issue 44

I Don't Like The Person You Become When You're On The Jumbotron

Okay, Dave, we need to talk. I didn't say anything on the way back from the stadium, because I was collecting my thoughts. But now, I think it's time we clear the air. Look, you know I've always loved and supported you. I believe you are, at heart, sweet, romantic, intelligent, capable, and wise. But something happens when the eyes of an entire stadium are on you, and it makes me wonder whether I even know you. Dave, I don't like the person you become when you're on the Jumbotron.

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SEATTLE—A building housing 10 adjoining lofts near Pike Place was purchased to be converted from airy studio apartments into a mayonnaise factory, Best Foods, Inc. CEO Peter Slater reported Monday. "I took one look at those great wood-plank floors and two-story ceilings, and I knew that all it would take was a little elbow grease to turn the building into an awesome industrial workspace," Slater said. "There's this one sunlit spot over by the windows that'll be perfect for a two-ton industrial mixer. All we have to do is get rid of the leather couch." Current residents were told to vacate the building by Dec. 1, but were offered first crack at the 80 $9-an-hour jobs about to be created, pending their acceptance into the building's workers' union.

Recurring Zhang Ziyi Fantasy Always Involves Getting Kicked In The Face

EL CAJON, CA—Bradley Vogt, 24, said Monday that, although he often fantasizes about Beijing-born Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon star Zhang Ziyi, his dreams always abruptly end with her kicking him in the face. "I'll be thinking about Zhang and how sexy she looked in that red robe in Hero," Vogt said. "But just when I imagine her taking off her robe, she delivers a devastating series of flying kicks to my throat. Weird." Vogt said that, if the actress would star in a non-violent role, it might solve his problem, but added that he isn't "completely sure [he wants] her to."

Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao announced Wednesday that voter turnout for the 2004 election resulted in an "abysmal" 32 percent drop in productivity and millions of vital work hours lost Tuesday. "Because so many American workers arrived late or left early on voting day, the nation's output was severely reduced," Chao said. "We cannot afford this sort of massive drop in productivity." Chao has charged her staff with the task of investigating our current method of electing a president.

Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC—Supporters of presidential candidate Ralph Nader blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Mr. Nader by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," Nader campaign manager Theresa Amato said. "It's an outrage. If Nader were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Nader characterized Bush and Kerry as spoilers.

Walking On Empty

Diabetes is no laughing matter, kids. (I'm not accusing you of laughing at diabetes—I'm just saying.) Diabetes affects millions of Americans, and while it can be controlled, there is no cure. I'm thankful to have the less severe form, Type 2, but I could still lose a leg. I'm in no imminent danger of that, but I could, eventually, lose a leg. Or some fingers.

Red Sox Break Curse

Last week, the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, breaking a "curse" that has persisted since 1918. What do you think?
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Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—Following a series of brutal attacks, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero pledged Monday that he "will not rest until Spain is free of rampaging bulls."

Zapatero introduces his agenda in the fight against Spain's vicious enemy (below).

"Bulls are ruthless animals that run our young men down in the streets without regard for guilt or innocence," Zapatero said. "Doggedly pursuing their agenda of destruction, they are deaf to pleas for mercy, and they care nothing about the suffering they cause as they rout and trample novillero, picador, and matador alike."

Zapatero said the government has no estimate of the number of bulls currently living in Spain, due to the animals' stealthy nature.

"The beasts hide in the nation's pastures, quietly ruminating over their vicious agendas," Zapatero said. "They often lie dormant for years, posing as innocent calves until they expose themselves as the brutes they are. Then, they attack in arenas, when the crowds are at their maximum capacity, in order to incite fear and shock among the citizenry."

Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

"We can no longer sit and watch as the bulls gore our brave young men to death," Zapatero added. "To those who say this problem is too widespread for the Spanish government to tackle, I say 'Toro!'"

Zapatero has established a cabinet-level Department of Bovine Security and a color-coded system that will alert the general public to the likelihood of an animal rampage. A green flag waved by the president indicates a low risk of bull attack. Magenta and gold capes, when worn by footmen, peones, or capeadores, indicate an elevated threat level. A colorful ring of banderilla around the bull's neck indicates a high threat level. In the case of a severe threat, a red flag is waved, and a bull attack is imminent.

"We can't afford to lose the war on bulls," Zapatero said. "When bulls unleash their brand of chaos, they leave massive destruction in their paths, as the tragic events of July 7 in Pamplona have proven time and again for the last 400 years."

Some Spanish citizens allege that the government's efforts to stop bull attacks are creating anti-bovine sentiment among the citizenry, and several watchdog organizations have been created to protect the rights of cows.

"Violent bulls represent a small minority of all ruminants," Bovine Rights Now representative Adora Moreno said. "Most cows are docile herbivores with no desire to harm a living soul. They are productive members of society, providing us with milk, meat, and leather goods. They should be granted the same dignity we afford other species."

Zapatero said that, while some citizens expressed displeasure with the additional security checkpoints in public and private pastures across the nation, the precautions are "an unfortunate necessity in these troubled times."

Bulls terrorize citizens in the streets of Pamplona.

The Spanish government has earmarked funds for 10,000 new matadors, as well as gates, pink stockings, and embroidered jackets.

"Our matadors wish to ensure the safety of the Spanish people and tourists alike," Zapatero said. "These bulls may gracefully dodge the swords and spears of justice, but our men will not back down. They shall engage the bulls with intricate goading, ritualized mockery, and the hypnotic waving of streamers. They will not stop posing in their sequined suits until every bull is removed from the arena, and every torero is free from fear of tossing, trampling, and goring."

Added Zapatero: "We are men. Under no condition will we accede to the whims of the bull."

Military officials have been careful to state that it could take years or even decades to eradicate the menace of the bulls. They plan to enlist the help of other nations in the fight, by recruiting bullfighting specialists from Mexico and Argentina.

"This will be a long, hard war, but we will win, through vigilance and determination," Spanish Defense Minister Jose Bono said. "We will arm ourselves with the banderilla of readiness and muleta of vigilance. There will be no mercy for the bull. We will find them wherever they hide, and we will round them up and contain them in pens. Viva toreros and viva España!"

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