Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

Top Headlines


Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—Following a series of brutal attacks, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero pledged Monday that he "will not rest until Spain is free of rampaging bulls."

Zapatero introduces his agenda in the fight against Spain's vicious enemy (below).

"Bulls are ruthless animals that run our young men down in the streets without regard for guilt or innocence," Zapatero said. "Doggedly pursuing their agenda of destruction, they are deaf to pleas for mercy, and they care nothing about the suffering they cause as they rout and trample novillero, picador, and matador alike."

Zapatero said the government has no estimate of the number of bulls currently living in Spain, due to the animals' stealthy nature.

"The beasts hide in the nation's pastures, quietly ruminating over their vicious agendas," Zapatero said. "They often lie dormant for years, posing as innocent calves until they expose themselves as the brutes they are. Then, they attack in arenas, when the crowds are at their maximum capacity, in order to incite fear and shock among the citizenry."

Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

"We can no longer sit and watch as the bulls gore our brave young men to death," Zapatero added. "To those who say this problem is too widespread for the Spanish government to tackle, I say 'Toro!'"

Zapatero has established a cabinet-level Department of Bovine Security and a color-coded system that will alert the general public to the likelihood of an animal rampage. A green flag waved by the president indicates a low risk of bull attack. Magenta and gold capes, when worn by footmen, peones, or capeadores, indicate an elevated threat level. A colorful ring of banderilla around the bull's neck indicates a high threat level. In the case of a severe threat, a red flag is waved, and a bull attack is imminent.

"We can't afford to lose the war on bulls," Zapatero said. "When bulls unleash their brand of chaos, they leave massive destruction in their paths, as the tragic events of July 7 in Pamplona have proven time and again for the last 400 years."

Some Spanish citizens allege that the government's efforts to stop bull attacks are creating anti-bovine sentiment among the citizenry, and several watchdog organizations have been created to protect the rights of cows.

"Violent bulls represent a small minority of all ruminants," Bovine Rights Now representative Adora Moreno said. "Most cows are docile herbivores with no desire to harm a living soul. They are productive members of society, providing us with milk, meat, and leather goods. They should be granted the same dignity we afford other species."

Zapatero said that, while some citizens expressed displeasure with the additional security checkpoints in public and private pastures across the nation, the precautions are "an unfortunate necessity in these troubled times."

Bulls terrorize citizens in the streets of Pamplona.

The Spanish government has earmarked funds for 10,000 new matadors, as well as gates, pink stockings, and embroidered jackets.

"Our matadors wish to ensure the safety of the Spanish people and tourists alike," Zapatero said. "These bulls may gracefully dodge the swords and spears of justice, but our men will not back down. They shall engage the bulls with intricate goading, ritualized mockery, and the hypnotic waving of streamers. They will not stop posing in their sequined suits until every bull is removed from the arena, and every torero is free from fear of tossing, trampling, and goring."

Added Zapatero: "We are men. Under no condition will we accede to the whims of the bull."

Military officials have been careful to state that it could take years or even decades to eradicate the menace of the bulls. They plan to enlist the help of other nations in the fight, by recruiting bullfighting specialists from Mexico and Argentina.

"This will be a long, hard war, but we will win, through vigilance and determination," Spanish Defense Minister Jose Bono said. "We will arm ourselves with the banderilla of readiness and muleta of vigilance. There will be no mercy for the bull. We will find them wherever they hide, and we will round them up and contain them in pens. Viva toreros and viva España!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close