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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World

MADRID—Seeking to reestablish Spain's global dominance after centuries of diminished empire, Spanish King Juan Carlos proclaimed yesterday his intention to unleash a mighty fighting force of conquistadores to reconquer, convert, enslave, and exploit the native populations of the Western Hemisphere.

Ships borrowed from a Barcelona theme park embark on the mission.

"On this day we set sail for the New World to reclaim what is rightfully ours, and any savage who opposes us shall be either chained or broken in our name," Juan Carlos told the slightly confused crowd of Madrid citizens gathered under threat of death outside the Placio Imperiatus, formerly the Banco Madrid. "All shall bow their heads to Spain and Christ or lose them!"

"Be warned, peoples of the Americas, for the Reino Imperio de España comes to wreak havoc upon your heads and bring you under the yoke of Christ, God save you," he added.

Juan Carlos issued an Imperial decree to build an "unstoppable" naval fleet of some 130 ships constructed from the "finest timbers felled from the grandest forests of Christendom," the likes of which, according to Spanish lore, "has not been espied on the high seas since the glory days of the 16th century."

Upon reaching the New World, the "Nueva Conquistadores" are entreated to establish military strongholds in such strategic ports as Havana, Santo Domingo, Port-au-Prince, Caracas, and Miami and use gleaming armor and mastery of gunpowder to convince locals that they are demigods. The invading forces will then "completely annihilate" native industrial sectors and "place the natives under the whip," forcing them to toil for gold to finance Spain's continued expansion.

"Cowardly brutes of the New World: Prepare for either salvation and servitude or hell on earth!" Juan Carlos intoned into an ornate red and gold megaphone before the largely silent crowd.

The Grande y Felicisima Armada Invencible, armed with an arsenal of cannons and muskets, is expected to subdue the area's estimated 500 million residents—more than 10 times the population of Spain itself—with "sheer force and the purifying flame of the Lord" sometime next spring, when the three-masted ships complete their arduous journey across the Atlantic.

Analysts say that Spain, with a standing army of 86,000 and one of the smallest military budgets in Western Europe, will face significant challenges in its rise to empire.

"It remains to be seen how the highly organized information- and service-based economy of the Bahamas will adapt to brutal conquest and forced labor," said University of Chicago political science professor Thomas Osbourne. "But the Spanish do have centuries of experience, so they should not be underestimated."

Proposed Attack Route

Imperial Spanish heralds say Juan Carlos was excited by reports that even the humblest citizens of the New World regularly walked around wearing jewels and solid gold, and lived in simple wooden structures known as "ranch houses," which could easily be put to the torch.

The imperial statement confirmed that Spain, whose economy currently ranks near the top 10 in Europe, would renew its search for the long-lost Fountain of Youth, believed to lie 50 miles west of popular tourist destination Kissimmee-St. Cloud.

 "If the Armada's voyage is successful it would vastly increase Imperial Spain's land holdings, as well as give them complete control of Mexico's growing industrial centers and, presumably, the hospitality economies of the Caribbean, thrusting the new empire to the forefront of the world stage," said Katherine Tooley of the policy think tank the Heritage Foundation. "They might even land a seat on the U.N. Security Council."

Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice said if attacked, the U.S. could not rule out retaliation through deployment of its 500,000 active naval personnel, 278 seafaring combat vessels, and more than 4,000 aircraft including, the F-4 and F-18 model fighter jets. "We are more than willing to sit down and listen to Spain's demands, but the last thing anyone wants is to get involved in a protracted military action," Rice said. "Or even a relatively short military action."

Meanwhile, Pope Benedict has urged King Carlos to show mercy in his dealings with the inhabitants of the Western Shores, at least until negotiations can be finalized to peaceably divide the region between Spain and its equally ambitious neighbor state, the Exalted Second Empire of Portugal.

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