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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning

ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly H7N9 avian influenza. “I told my warbler friend whose buddy got bird flu recently, and he was like, ‘Ken, relax, it’s not bird flu—you just ate some bad seeds,’ but still, I’m kind of freaked out,” said the concerned passer domesticus, adding that it’s pretty sure it is exhibiting at least a few of the major symptoms related to the treatment-resistant illness spreading throughout the Hunan province. “As soon as I left the nest this morning, I felt like total shit. Five minutes later, I’m puking all my seeds up. I don’t even have any more seeds left to puke—I’m just dry heaving from my beak now.” The sparrow then told reporters it would try to get some thistle in its stomach and hope its condition doesn’t get worse.

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