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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts

NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout stress disorder, a condition blamed on the "hellish psychological torture" of an opposing coach icing them with a timeout right before a field-goal attempt. "Kickers don't like to admit timeouts bother them, because in football's masculine culture that's a sign of weakness," said Dr. Franklin Gould, one of the study's authors, who criticized the league for disputing the harm caused by kicker icing. "This is an extremely harrowing experience for kickers, and we always recommend they take a few weeks off to cope and talk to someone about what they went through. But in most cases, they go right back on the field and attempt the field goal again anyway." The study was particularly harsh on the San Diego Chargers, whose kicker Nick Novak showed "several symptoms" of deteriorating mental health, such as urinating on the sideline, before his shooting spree targeting the Broncos' coaching staff last week.

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