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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts

NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout stress disorder, a condition blamed on the "hellish psychological torture" of an opposing coach icing them with a timeout right before a field-goal attempt. "Kickers don't like to admit timeouts bother them, because in football's masculine culture that's a sign of weakness," said Dr. Franklin Gould, one of the study's authors, who criticized the league for disputing the harm caused by kicker icing. "This is an extremely harrowing experience for kickers, and we always recommend they take a few weeks off to cope and talk to someone about what they went through. But in most cases, they go right back on the field and attempt the field goal again anyway." The study was particularly harsh on the San Diego Chargers, whose kicker Nick Novak showed "several symptoms" of deteriorating mental health, such as urinating on the sideline, before his shooting spree targeting the Broncos' coaching staff last week.

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