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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid

WATERVILLE, ME—The ability to judge different sizes and shapes was inexplicably lost on Waterville resident John Wyatt on Tuesday as he struggled to find the correct lid for a plastic container of chicken salad. According to witnesses, the seemingly rational man cycled through 17 separate lids in his desperate search to find a corresponding match, rotating each incorrect cover multiple times in hopes that it would somehow fit. "Why won't this work?" asked Wyatt, who is reportedly an intelligent and astute individual most of the time. "Just close already, goddammit." At press time, Wyatt was attempting to secure a square lid onto a round container with several sheets of plastic wrap.

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