adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid

WATERVILLE, ME—The ability to judge different sizes and shapes was inexplicably lost on Waterville resident John Wyatt on Tuesday as he struggled to find the correct lid for a plastic container of chicken salad. According to witnesses, the seemingly rational man cycled through 17 separate lids in his desperate search to find a corresponding match, rotating each incorrect cover multiple times in hopes that it would somehow fit. "Why won't this work?" asked Wyatt, who is reportedly an intelligent and astute individual most of the time. "Just close already, goddammit." At press time, Wyatt was attempting to secure a square lid onto a round container with several sheets of plastic wrap.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close