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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Special Five-Part Series "Dumb In America" Begins This Week

"Dumb In America" host John Harris is on a search to answer a question as complex as America itself: What is Dumbness? Is it simply being born stupid? Or is it an adopted identity, learned through association while attending sporting events or shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch? Dumb people are an important part of our society, bring their dumb ideas to everything from fashion industry to politics. Today, complete idiots hold jobs as waiters, yoga instructors, talk-radio personalities, teachers, and doctors. In fact, today more than half of all Americans are dumb and the latest census indicates their numbers are increasing daily.

In Episode One, Harris takes viewers on a cross-country road trip, visiting major hubs of stupidity along the way. Whether he is attending a Dave Matthews Band concert in California, shooting at rusty kitchen appliances on a farm in Missouri, watching a stay-at-home mom posting comments on Yahoo! News articles in Oklahoma, or drinking Red Bull and vodka with Wall Street day traders, Harris doesn't shy away from asking probing questions of our nation's dumbest. This special television event is a must-see for every American.

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