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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Special Five-Part Series "Dumb In America" Begins This Week

"Dumb In America" host John Harris is on a search to answer a question as complex as America itself: What is Dumbness? Is it simply being born stupid? Or is it an adopted identity, learned through association while attending sporting events or shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch? Dumb people are an important part of our society, bring their dumb ideas to everything from fashion industry to politics. Today, complete idiots hold jobs as waiters, yoga instructors, talk-radio personalities, teachers, and doctors. In fact, today more than half of all Americans are dumb and the latest census indicates their numbers are increasing daily.

In Episode One, Harris takes viewers on a cross-country road trip, visiting major hubs of stupidity along the way. Whether he is attending a Dave Matthews Band concert in California, shooting at rusty kitchen appliances on a farm in Missouri, watching a stay-at-home mom posting comments on Yahoo! News articles in Oklahoma, or drinking Red Bull and vodka with Wall Street day traders, Harris doesn't shy away from asking probing questions of our nation's dumbest. This special television event is a must-see for every American.

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