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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.

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