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Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected

ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday, reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael, adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad." "Other than the 6-inch scar across his face, it's like he was never gone." Upon his return, Jacobs immediately demanded a concise summary of the last 10 arguments between Michael and his sister Lauren, as well as a quick debriefing re: the whereabouts of that raccoon that used to live in the shed.

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