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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected

ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday, reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael, adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad." "Other than the 6-inch scar across his face, it's like he was never gone." Upon his return, Jacobs immediately demanded a concise summary of the last 10 arguments between Michael and his sister Lauren, as well as a quick debriefing re: the whereabouts of that raccoon that used to live in the shed.

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