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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy

LOS ANGELES—Event organizers and promoters are as yet unable to explain to the satisfaction of law-enforcement officials how Ricky Creston, a 10-year-old Down syndrome sufferer, was put in a position that lead to his death on Tuesday, the final day of events at the first-ever Special X-Games. "Creston, who was competing in the Best Freestyle Motocross Trick event, evidently panicked and began flailing his arms in response to the motorcycle's loud noise, losing control of the Honda CRF230 to which he had been strapped, and died shortly after in a collision with another special athlete," LAPD officials announced yesterday. "Special X-Games organizers apparently thought they had taken every precaution possible, outfitting Creston with a life jacket in case he careened into the nearby wakeboarding pool, but failed to take into account the proximity of the skateboarding half-pipe." Creston also critically injured a developmentally disabled boy who, apparently deafened by the crowd and the Limp Bizkit music blaring through the arena speakers, was sitting in the bottom of the half-pipe and happily spinning the wheels of his skateboard during the Men's Big Air event. "Although Ricky is gone, his extreme legacy will live on forever, unlike our partnership with Mountain Dew," said event organizer Steve Wynlan, adding that all they wanted was to show the special athletes that they could still have a rad lifestyle. A spokesman for the LAPD stated that, although he had seen youth culture exploited before, the Special X-Games were nearly as bad as the Vans Warped Tour.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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