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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy

LOS ANGELES—Event organizers and promoters are as yet unable to explain to the satisfaction of law-enforcement officials how Ricky Creston, a 10-year-old Down syndrome sufferer, was put in a position that lead to his death on Tuesday, the final day of events at the first-ever Special X-Games. "Creston, who was competing in the Best Freestyle Motocross Trick event, evidently panicked and began flailing his arms in response to the motorcycle's loud noise, losing control of the Honda CRF230 to which he had been strapped, and died shortly after in a collision with another special athlete," LAPD officials announced yesterday. "Special X-Games organizers apparently thought they had taken every precaution possible, outfitting Creston with a life jacket in case he careened into the nearby wakeboarding pool, but failed to take into account the proximity of the skateboarding half-pipe." Creston also critically injured a developmentally disabled boy who, apparently deafened by the crowd and the Limp Bizkit music blaring through the arena speakers, was sitting in the bottom of the half-pipe and happily spinning the wheels of his skateboard during the Men's Big Air event. "Although Ricky is gone, his extreme legacy will live on forever, unlike our partnership with Mountain Dew," said event organizer Steve Wynlan, adding that all they wanted was to show the special athletes that they could still have a rad lifestyle. A spokesman for the LAPD stated that, although he had seen youth culture exploited before, the Special X-Games were nearly as bad as the Vans Warped Tour.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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