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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy

LOS ANGELES—Event organizers and promoters are as yet unable to explain to the satisfaction of law-enforcement officials how Ricky Creston, a 10-year-old Down syndrome sufferer, was put in a position that lead to his death on Tuesday, the final day of events at the first-ever Special X-Games. "Creston, who was competing in the Best Freestyle Motocross Trick event, evidently panicked and began flailing his arms in response to the motorcycle's loud noise, losing control of the Honda CRF230 to which he had been strapped, and died shortly after in a collision with another special athlete," LAPD officials announced yesterday. "Special X-Games organizers apparently thought they had taken every precaution possible, outfitting Creston with a life jacket in case he careened into the nearby wakeboarding pool, but failed to take into account the proximity of the skateboarding half-pipe." Creston also critically injured a developmentally disabled boy who, apparently deafened by the crowd and the Limp Bizkit music blaring through the arena speakers, was sitting in the bottom of the half-pipe and happily spinning the wheels of his skateboard during the Men's Big Air event. "Although Ricky is gone, his extreme legacy will live on forever, unlike our partnership with Mountain Dew," said event organizer Steve Wynlan, adding that all they wanted was to show the special athletes that they could still have a rad lifestyle. A spokesman for the LAPD stated that, although he had seen youth culture exploited before, the Special X-Games were nearly as bad as the Vans Warped Tour.

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