adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center

SPOKANE, WA—More than one dozen attendees of a drapery and window coverings trade show at the local Comfort Inn and Convention Center last weekend reported seeing ghostly manifestations of dental hygienists from conventions long forgotten.

Recent guests at the Spokane Comfort Inn seem unaware of a nagging specter in their midst.

"Wispy, milky shapes streaking past the veggie platters on the buffet tables, a faint odor of mouthwash, the sound of saliva suction machines coming from seemingly empty rooms—very spooky stuff," said Rich Vitanza, a Chicago-based salesman for Hunter Douglas Window Fashions, on Monday. "It was enough to chill you to the bone, or at least make you floss regularly."

Similar reports have been commonplace at the Spokane Comfort Inn, which began hosting an annual dental hygienists convention in the 1970s. The first instances of supernatural dental hygiene–related activity, including the unexplained disappearances of sugary sweets from reception desks and room service breakfasts, began in the early 1980s.

"Once a week, like clockwork, a guest comes to the concierge desk and says that when he awoke, a new toothbrush was sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink, covered in a fresh coat of toothpaste," said desk manager Greg Meacham, who claimed he received phantom dental sealants on two occasions. "Last month, the words 'Have your teeth cleaned every six months by a licensed oral-health professional' were projected onto the screen in the main ballroom during a luncheon. Thing is, the projector wasn't even plugged in at the time."

Over the years, guests have seen flickering lights in the hotel's stairway exposing what appeared to be X-rays of bicuspids, and paper spit cups arranged in elaborate geometrical patterns in the elevators. A few even reported being awoken in the middle of the night by the icy-cold touch of a gloved hand on their gums.

"I was cleaning my face, just about to reach over for my towel, when I heard a voice complaining about the Waterpik being no substitute for brushing," said Charlotte, NC resident Linda Matthie, who was a guest at the Comfort Inn during the Christmas holiday. "Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in a pastel outfit, but when I turned to look at her, she was gone."

"Yes, Evelyn's practically an old friend of ours now," said desk manager Meacham, referring to one of the most well-known ghosts. "The legend goes that she died of an aneurysm while attending a convention here. She's known to roam the halls, her yearning for proper oral hygiene forever unsated."

Meacham said he advises all visitors to expect chillingly banal conversations about the weather and children's soccer games to echo through the halls, though he reassures guests that the eerie smooth jazz music that often terrifies visitors originates from the hotel's public-address system.

Paranormal investigator Richard Schmidt said that the hardworking, serious-minded hygienists haunting the convention center are merely yearning for the camaraderie and educational opportunities they so treasured in their earthly lives.

"Dental hygiene meant everything to them," Schmidt said. "Their spirits linger here to learn about advances in tooth-whitening technology for all eternity—and to remember good times."

Recent plastics trade show–attendee Jonathan Storff said that a stay at the Comfort Inn need not be a frightening experience.

"Oh, I don't pay much attention to all the fuss," Storff said. "My stay here was pretty uneventful, anyway, but my toothache is gone, my breath tastes minty fresh, and my smile has never been brighter."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings