Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center

Top Headlines


Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center

SPOKANE, WA—More than one dozen attendees of a drapery and window coverings trade show at the local Comfort Inn and Convention Center last weekend reported seeing ghostly manifestations of dental hygienists from conventions long forgotten.

Recent guests at the Spokane Comfort Inn seem unaware of a nagging specter in their midst.

"Wispy, milky shapes streaking past the veggie platters on the buffet tables, a faint odor of mouthwash, the sound of saliva suction machines coming from seemingly empty rooms—very spooky stuff," said Rich Vitanza, a Chicago-based salesman for Hunter Douglas Window Fashions, on Monday. "It was enough to chill you to the bone, or at least make you floss regularly."

Similar reports have been commonplace at the Spokane Comfort Inn, which began hosting an annual dental hygienists convention in the 1970s. The first instances of supernatural dental hygiene–related activity, including the unexplained disappearances of sugary sweets from reception desks and room service breakfasts, began in the early 1980s.

"Once a week, like clockwork, a guest comes to the concierge desk and says that when he awoke, a new toothbrush was sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink, covered in a fresh coat of toothpaste," said desk manager Greg Meacham, who claimed he received phantom dental sealants on two occasions. "Last month, the words 'Have your teeth cleaned every six months by a licensed oral-health professional' were projected onto the screen in the main ballroom during a luncheon. Thing is, the projector wasn't even plugged in at the time."

Over the years, guests have seen flickering lights in the hotel's stairway exposing what appeared to be X-rays of bicuspids, and paper spit cups arranged in elaborate geometrical patterns in the elevators. A few even reported being awoken in the middle of the night by the icy-cold touch of a gloved hand on their gums.

"I was cleaning my face, just about to reach over for my towel, when I heard a voice complaining about the Waterpik being no substitute for brushing," said Charlotte, NC resident Linda Matthie, who was a guest at the Comfort Inn during the Christmas holiday. "Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in a pastel outfit, but when I turned to look at her, she was gone."

"Yes, Evelyn's practically an old friend of ours now," said desk manager Meacham, referring to one of the most well-known ghosts. "The legend goes that she died of an aneurysm while attending a convention here. She's known to roam the halls, her yearning for proper oral hygiene forever unsated."

Meacham said he advises all visitors to expect chillingly banal conversations about the weather and children's soccer games to echo through the halls, though he reassures guests that the eerie smooth jazz music that often terrifies visitors originates from the hotel's public-address system.

Paranormal investigator Richard Schmidt said that the hardworking, serious-minded hygienists haunting the convention center are merely yearning for the camaraderie and educational opportunities they so treasured in their earthly lives.

"Dental hygiene meant everything to them," Schmidt said. "Their spirits linger here to learn about advances in tooth-whitening technology for all eternity—and to remember good times."

Recent plastics trade show–attendee Jonathan Storff said that a stay at the Comfort Inn need not be a frightening experience.

"Oh, I don't pay much attention to all the fuss," Storff said. "My stay here was pretty uneventful, anyway, but my toothache is gone, my breath tastes minty fresh, and my smile has never been brighter."