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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract

BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with a professional basketball team. "When he agrees to play for a new team and has an introductory press conference with them—or when he re-signs with Cleveland—that's when I think we'll have a better idea which way LeBron is leaning," ESPN analyst Jalen Rose said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter, adding that a good indicator as to where James' head is at might come in late October, when James will be wearing a basketball uniform for the season opener. "Ten games into the regular season, if LeBron James is a New Jersey Net, I think at that point we can effectively eliminate Chicago or Cleveland, but I wouldn't rule out the Los Angeles Clippers. At any rate, by the 2011 All-Star break the picture should become, if not 100 percent clear, a lot less hazy." Rose suggested the guessing game over where LeBron will play next season may not end until he is enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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