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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract

BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with a professional basketball team. "When he agrees to play for a new team and has an introductory press conference with them—or when he re-signs with Cleveland—that's when I think we'll have a better idea which way LeBron is leaning," ESPN analyst Jalen Rose said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter, adding that a good indicator as to where James' head is at might come in late October, when James will be wearing a basketball uniform for the season opener. "Ten games into the regular season, if LeBron James is a New Jersey Net, I think at that point we can effectively eliminate Chicago or Cleveland, but I wouldn't rule out the Los Angeles Clippers. At any rate, by the 2011 All-Star break the picture should become, if not 100 percent clear, a lot less hazy." Rose suggested the guessing game over where LeBron will play next season may not end until he is enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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