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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract

BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with a professional basketball team. "When he agrees to play for a new team and has an introductory press conference with them—or when he re-signs with Cleveland—that's when I think we'll have a better idea which way LeBron is leaning," ESPN analyst Jalen Rose said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter, adding that a good indicator as to where James' head is at might come in late October, when James will be wearing a basketball uniform for the season opener. "Ten games into the regular season, if LeBron James is a New Jersey Net, I think at that point we can effectively eliminate Chicago or Cleveland, but I wouldn't rule out the Los Angeles Clippers. At any rate, by the 2011 All-Star break the picture should become, if not 100 percent clear, a lot less hazy." Rose suggested the guessing game over where LeBron will play next season may not end until he is enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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