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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Spelling Bee Champion Returns To School A Hero, He Imagines

BAYSIDE HILLS, NY—Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Arvind Mahankali arrived at his middle school in Bayside Hills, NY a hero lauded by all his classmates, the 13-year-old imagined today. “Man, Arvind, the way you took down the word ‘knaidel’ was unbelievable! You are awesome,” said popular and athletic classmate Jason Franklin in Mahankali’s imagination before lifting the spelling champion over his shoulder while surrounded by a consortium of applauding teachers, students, and cheerleaders. “We always knew you were super smart, but to win Scripps? That’s amazing, dude! We are great friends now.” At press time, Mahankali was telling himself that, yes, this is how things would be from now on.

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