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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Spelling Bee Champion Returns To School A Hero, He Imagines

BAYSIDE HILLS, NY—Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Arvind Mahankali arrived at his middle school in Bayside Hills, NY a hero lauded by all his classmates, the 13-year-old imagined today. “Man, Arvind, the way you took down the word ‘knaidel’ was unbelievable! You are awesome,” said popular and athletic classmate Jason Franklin in Mahankali’s imagination before lifting the spelling champion over his shoulder while surrounded by a consortium of applauding teachers, students, and cheerleaders. “We always knew you were super smart, but to win Scripps? That’s amazing, dude! We are great friends now.” At press time, Mahankali was telling himself that, yes, this is how things would be from now on.

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