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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln'

LOS ANGELES—Growing nervous after watching a rough cut of his upcoming biopic Lincoln, director Steven Spielberg reportedly re-edited the entire film in a bout of panic, inserting a recurring gag that involves the 16th president repeatedly suffering injuries to the groin. “Steven realized that given the brutal scenes of slavery, the horrific Civil War battles, and an ending in which the hero is killed in cold blood, his movie might benefit from a little comic relief,” said a source at DreamWorks Pictures, adding that the film includes a “hilarious” rail-splitting scene in which an ax head flies off its handle and hits the Great Emancipator squarely in the genitals, as well as a humorous mishap that causes Lincoln to open the Gettysburg Address with the words “Four score and seven years agooOOOWWW!” “We spent about a week shooting pickup footage, and Daniel Day-Lewis got so into character he would improvise taking-it-in-the-nuts routines that weren’t even in the script. He even had an assistant kick him in the balls between takes just so he could keep himself in the same frame of mind Lincoln would have been in at the time.” Reports from early screenings indicate overwhelming audience approval of the film’s new ending, in which John Wilkes Booth shoots Lincoln, screams “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leaps from the Ford’s Theatre balcony only to land crotch-first on an iron handrail.

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