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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln'

LOS ANGELES—Growing nervous after watching a rough cut of his upcoming biopic Lincoln, director Steven Spielberg reportedly re-edited the entire film in a bout of panic, inserting a recurring gag that involves the 16th president repeatedly suffering injuries to the groin. “Steven realized that given the brutal scenes of slavery, the horrific Civil War battles, and an ending in which the hero is killed in cold blood, his movie might benefit from a little comic relief,” said a source at DreamWorks Pictures, adding that the film includes a “hilarious” rail-splitting scene in which an ax head flies off its handle and hits the Great Emancipator squarely in the genitals, as well as a humorous mishap that causes Lincoln to open the Gettysburg Address with the words “Four score and seven years agooOOOWWW!” “We spent about a week shooting pickup footage, and Daniel Day-Lewis got so into character he would improvise taking-it-in-the-nuts routines that weren’t even in the script. He even had an assistant kick him in the balls between takes just so he could keep himself in the same frame of mind Lincoln would have been in at the time.” Reports from early screenings indicate overwhelming audience approval of the film’s new ending, in which John Wilkes Booth shoots Lincoln, screams “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leaps from the Ford’s Theatre balcony only to land crotch-first on an iron handrail.

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