Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Healthy Eating

Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole

HOLMDEL, NJ—No one needs to tell Suzanne Glauber that she's been blessed. She knows it. As the 33-year-old homemaker puts it, she's filled with an overwhelming sense of "spiritual wholeness" and "personal well-being" every time she looks at her 5-year-old son Dakota.

Suzanne Glauber and the whining, filthy brat that makes her feel at one with the universe.

"Dakota makes me feel so complete," said Glauber, gazing with deep affection and devotion at her grubby, disheveled son, who was searching for a wall on which to wipe a mass of mucus he had rooted from his nose. "Even after I got married, I still sensed that something was missing from my life. But the day Dakota was born, that void was filled."

"I knew I always wanted to have a child, but I honestly didn't realize just how magical motherhood would be," said Glauber, enduring repeated kicks to the shins from a cookie-demanding Dakota. "Of course, you can't really know what it's like until you go through it. And I thank God daily that I did."

After waddling into the kitchen and devouring two individually wrapped Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, Dakota sat down in the living room among a pile of toys he had strewn across the floor. Picking up a large dump truck, he dropped it on a smaller toy helicopter, causing it to shatter. He then forced open the remote control to an off-road stunt racer, tore out its battery coils, and gummed up its wiring with sticky cookie crumbs and a large gob of drool from his shirt sleeve.

"You know, it's supposedly the parent's job to teach the child," Glauber said. "But I'm the one who's always learning new things from Dakota. Things like grace, understanding and the wonder of childhood. And most of all, he teaches me the bliss of pure, unconditional love."

Dakota has taught his mother a great many other things, as well, including how to whine like a hyena, refuse to go to bed, scribble doodles on the wall, yank the cat's tail and watch endless hours of TV in a semi-catatonic state, rousing himself only, and to near-hysteria, when someone tries to change the channel.

"Dakota is the summit of all my hopes and dreams, and if I fail him, I fail myself—and the world," Glauber said. "And I'm determined not to let that happen."

"He truly is a miracle," continued Glauber, removing a collector's plate from the living-room curio cabinet and placing it on the dining-room table. Ornately decorated with rosy-cheeked cherubim, the plate bears the gold-leaf inscription, "As God Makes Each Snowflake Different, So He Does With Every Precious Child."

"I got this plate at the mall the other day, and for me, it really sums it all up," Glauber said. "Sometimes my husband teases me about indulging Dakota too much, and maybe I do. But I'm convinced that God gives us children to help us understand just how wonderful and rich life is."

As his mother finished speaking, Dakota careened his Big Wheel into the dining-room table, causing the collector plate to fall to the floor and shatter. He then darted away as fast as his considerable girth and lack of coordination would allow.

Dakota's father Donald, a 39-year-old systems analyst for Digitek Industries in nearby Manalapan, shared his own feelings for his only child.

"Frankly, if it was up to me, I'd dope up the kid so full of Ritalin, he could be used as a paperweight," said Glauber, speaking from a local tavern. "But you know how the wife is: 'He's a little angel sent from heaven,' and all that crap. Whatever. She can deal with him. It's no mistake I've been working all this overtime lately."

"And by the way," Glauber added, "in case you're wondering, it was the wife's idea to name him Dakota."

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