adBlockCheck

Business

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
End Of Section
  • More News

SPONSORED: Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace

For more than 40 years, Red Lobster has remained committed to denying the civil liberties of women.
For more than 40 years, Red Lobster has remained committed to denying the civil liberties of women.

ORLANDO, FL—In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it sometimes seems as if the moral fabric of our society has been stretched beyond recognition in the name of so-called social progress. Bowing to the twin demons of feminism and political correctness, many businesses have readily yielded to the pressures of the country’s advancing women’s rights front, allowing their fear of losing a few customers to cloud their judgment and dilute their most fundamental of values.

But not at Red Lobster. For over 40 years, the country’s preeminent seafood restaurant chain has strived to maintain a respectable business environment in both its restaurants and its corporate structure. And though the currents of change may have shaken the resolve of other eateries, Red Lobster’s leadership is in firm agreement that their company now and forever will remain at the forefront in the ongoing fight against women in the workplace.

“Red Lobster’s corporate values have always been directly aligned with the interests of the traditional American family, and that means we are vigorously opposed to the female infiltration of the workplace,” said Clarence Otis Jr., CEO of Red Lobster’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc., and a self-described “die-hard opponent” of the women’s rights movement. “That’s why, when you step into one of our restaurants for a taste of the most delicious seafood around, you won’t see a single female employee who isn’t a server or hostess, and you’ll never, ever see a woman working in any kind of supervisory role.”

“That’s our promise to you,” Otis continued.

The chief executive noted that the campaign against women’s rights doesn’t end in the restaurant’s nearly 700 affordable, family-friendly locations. Indeed, honoring the wishes of founders Bill Darden and Charley Woodsby, Red Lobster has never once employed any kind of female executive throughout its corporate structure, and even enforces a policy expressly barring women from entering the boardroom at its Orlando headquarters.

In fact, due to the company’s creative application of federal and state labor laws, Red Lobster has ensured that those few female typists and telephone operators it does reluctantly and begrudgingly employ receive far less pay than their more capable male counterparts and virtually no medical benefits, a bold move in a world plagued by the screeching feminist horde.

But Red Lobster’s ongoing opposition to the women’s rights movement doesn’t end within its own walls, Otis emphasized.

“For decades, we’ve been investing our profits into a number of dedicated political advocacy groups seeking to ensure that our nation’s places of business remain a stronghold for men and men only,” Otis said, adding that the company has also funneled money to organizations hoping to put a stop to immigration, contraception initiatives, and homosexual adoption. “Through our aggressive lobbying efforts, we’ve succeeded so far in blocking a litany of women’s rights legislation, and we will continue working to ensure that no woman ever feels comfortable in the workplace. That’s the Red Lobster way.”

Through offering such an impassioned voice to this most pressing of debates, it’s no surprise that Red Lobster has earned the praises of the nation’s most influential business leaders.

“In times of widespread moral cowardice such as these, it’s inspiring to see a restaurant chain whose attitudes toward the supposed ‘advancement’ of the fairer sex remain as fresh as their seafood,” said American publishing magnate T. Herman Zweibel. “In the years to come, I remain confident that the rights and freedoms of the female gender will continue to deteriorate, just as Red Lobster’s star will continue to ascend.”

“They’ve also proven their worth as a more than willing business partner,” Zweibel added.

For more information on Red Lobster and its ongoing mission, visit redlobster.com, and be sure to pop in to your local restaurant location for the Seaside Mix & Match special, featuring two delicious menu options for just $12.99.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close