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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters

MIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty, overgrown parking lot, spooked members of Sen. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign were seen driving slowly past the abandoned headquarters of former candidate Jeb Bush last night. “Look at the debate prep notes still written on the whiteboards and the polling data piled on the desks―it’s as if people were working here like normal and they just suddenly disappeared,” said one Rubio staffer, who shuddered as he pointed to a half-spilled box of bumper stickers sitting near a dumpster and a limp, faded banner reading “Jeb!” dangling from a back wall. “I heard that sometimes, late at night, if you’re walking by this place, you can still hear the sound of Bush’s chief messaging officer walking him through his talking points. This place gives me the creeps.” After a flash of lightning revealed the ghostly silhouette of a man believed to have been Bush’s senior strategist for South Carolina standing rigidly in a second-floor window, the Rubio campaign workers reportedly let out loud screams and sped away into the night.

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