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Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters

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Election 2016

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters

MIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty, overgrown parking lot, spooked members of Sen. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign were seen driving slowly past the abandoned headquarters of former candidate Jeb Bush last night. “Look at the debate prep notes still written on the whiteboards and the polling data piled on the desks―it’s as if people were working here like normal and they just suddenly disappeared,” said one Rubio staffer, who shuddered as he pointed to a half-spilled box of bumper stickers sitting near a dumpster and a limp, faded banner reading “Jeb!” dangling from a back wall. “I heard that sometimes, late at night, if you’re walking by this place, you can still hear the sound of Bush’s chief messaging officer walking him through his talking points. This place gives me the creeps.” After a flash of lightning revealed the ghostly silhouette of a man believed to have been Bush’s senior strategist for South Carolina standing rigidly in a second-floor window, the Rubio campaign workers reportedly let out loud screams and sped away into the night.

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