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Sports De-Emphasized

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

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