Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

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Vol 47 Issue 40

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities. "It's nice that we were able to run the ball against the Bears' defense, but we get so conservative at the end of games and let teams hang in there," said LaBelle, who also noted that the Packers gave up more than 300 yards through the air on the way to their 27-17 victory. "And why is McCarthy giving the ball to Starks when Ryan Grant is clearing running way better. We should be beating every team by at least 17 points. Jesus Christ." LaBelle reportedly spent the offseason complaining about the Packers' dropped passes and poor choice of run plays during their Super Bowl victory.

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