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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities. "It's nice that we were able to run the ball against the Bears' defense, but we get so conservative at the end of games and let teams hang in there," said LaBelle, who also noted that the Packers gave up more than 300 yards through the air on the way to their 27-17 victory. "And why is McCarthy giving the ball to Starks when Ryan Grant is clearing running way better. We should be beating every team by at least 17 points. Jesus Christ." LaBelle reportedly spent the offseason complaining about the Packers' dropped passes and poor choice of run plays during their Super Bowl victory.

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