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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities. "It's nice that we were able to run the ball against the Bears' defense, but we get so conservative at the end of games and let teams hang in there," said LaBelle, who also noted that the Packers gave up more than 300 yards through the air on the way to their 27-17 victory. "And why is McCarthy giving the ball to Starks when Ryan Grant is clearing running way better. We should be beating every team by at least 17 points. Jesus Christ." LaBelle reportedly spent the offseason complaining about the Packers' dropped passes and poor choice of run plays during their Super Bowl victory.

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