Sports Fan Killed in Tragic Home Entertainment Center Collapse

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Vol 30 Issue 08

Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. "We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X," said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. "Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups."

Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in 11 states. "Henrietta! Myrtle! Lucy!" the muppet shouted as Department of Animal Welfare officials dragged him from his home, where he was found naked Monday with more than two dozen female chickens.

West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes. The violence, which left 15 Palestinian civilians and at least a dozen Israeli soldiers dead, was the most significant fighting to erupt in the volatile region since 2:15 p.m. that same day, when an Israeli tank ran over 85 rock-throwing Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. "Just before lunch, I believed things were moving forward," said disappointed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from a Jerusalem-area falafel shop. "But now that this delicious falafel and hummus sandwich is done, I just do not know." Netanyahu vowed to work with PLO leader Yasser Arafat to secure a true, lasting peace that will endure well into weekend.

Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff Reiner, invoking the noted savior's name to emphasize the tremendous size of the insect. "That thing is fucking huge—did you see the size of that thing?" Added Reiner: "Damn, that's a fucking big cockroach."

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's Sunrise Multiplex just a short while ago, is enjoying the movie so far. "I'm really enjoying this movie so far," said Pressler, a dental hygienist whose favorite film is The Bodyguard. "I just can't wait to see what Goldie, Bette and Diane do to get even with those no-good, jerk ex-husbands of theirs." Moments later, Pressler erupted in laughter at a Bette Midler wisecrack relating to the IQ of her ex-husband's current, younger girlfriend. Said Pressler: "She's crazy!"
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Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Sports Fan Killed in Tragic Home Entertainment Center Collapse

MENASHA, WI—Local resident Stan Blaskowitz, a self-described "sports fanatic," was crushed and killed Sunday, when his seven-foot, 900-pound home entertainment center fell on him during the final seconds of a televised Green Bay Packers game.

Stan Blaskowitz, 1965–1996

"It was horrible," said friend and neighbor Bill Gustafson, who was a witness to the tragic accident. "I think the Pack could really go all the way this year."

According to Outagamie County coroners, Blaskowitz and several other Green Bay faithful decided to watch the game on Blaskowitz's living room television set because of its state-of-the-art nature, boasting a 27-inch screen, a built-in digital satellite system and stereo Surround Sound. Ironically, these were the same factors that coroners say contributed to his death by crushing.

According to eyewitness accounts, the fatal accident occurred during the closing seconds of the fourth quarter. Blaskowitz, a longtime forklift operator at the Kimberly-Clark paper mill, was kneeling on the carpet in front of the entertainment center, having been pulled from his chair by the dramatic events he saw unfolding on the TV screen.

As Packers quarterback Brett Favre dropped back to attempt a game-winning touchdown pass, he stumbled in the face of a ferocious blitz, prompting an anxious Blaskowitz to pound the floor repeatedly with his fists. The entertainment center, which was probably already unbalanced due to an earlier mass celebration of Packer safety LeRoy Butler's third-quarter interception, plummeted down on Blaskowitz's head.

"It was horrible," said Christine Junker, a friend of Blaskowitz's who was on the couch at the time of the accident. "The TV hit Stan right on the top of his skull, and it just shattered—pieces of the picture tube were everywhere. We didn't know if Favre had gotten the pass off, if he was able to scramble out-of-bounds and stop the clock with enough time to get another play off, or if, God forbid, he was sacked."

Emergency medical technicians soon arrived on the scene to assist Blaskowitz's panicked companions, but their efforts to restore the television's failing reception were in vain. "We got the radio working again," ambulance driver Greg Stuckney said. "But we couldn't find the Green Bay Packer Radio Network. I was trying to get something on AM when I noticed the blood."

Blaskowitz was pronounced dead at the scene.

"Stan was a true fan," Gustafson said. "He died the way he lived, the way we should all strive to live, on his knees with a Schlitz TallBoy in one hand and the remote in the other, begging for the return of the glory days we all saw under Lombardi."

Added Gustafson: "The Pack is back in '96!"

Blaskowitz's friends and family will gather in a small ceremony at his house this Thursday to tell Packer stories and prepare Blaskowitz's wide-screen television for transferral to Fred's TV and Electronics Repair Emporium in nearby Waupaca, where it will await factory-authorized service alongside the deceased's other entertainment center components.

As of press time, Gustafson remained optimistic that Blaskowitz's entertainment center would be repaired in time for the Packers' appearance on Monday Night Football against Dallas in November.

"Stan would have wanted it that way," he said.

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