Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores

BRISTOL, CT—Curious to know the results of the previous day’s action across the world of sports, 42-year-old electrician Gary Bimel reportedly made the 939-mile journey from his home in Kenosha, WI to ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT on Thursday in order to check the latest scores.

Sources confirmed that after spending $534 on airfare to Hartford, renting a car, and gaining admission to the cable sports provider’s massive compound, Bimel found his way to the visitor’s center, where he made his request to look at all the scores and highlights.

“Between football starting and the pennant races heating up in baseball, there are so many games happening that I figured I’d make it easy on myself and just come straight to ESPN so I could see all the latest scores,” Bimel was overheard asking a receptionist. “And highlights, too. I know you have a lot of those. I want to know about the NFL, and you have a ton of that information.”

Bimmel, a father of four, said he traveled halfway across the country to find out the final score of the Giants-Rockies game, the results of the Georgia-Missouri college football matchup from Sept. 8, and whether the Brewers beat the Pirates.

While waiting in the lobby of ESPN headquarters, Bimel frequently asked for reports on Thursday’s Baltimore Ravens practice, which players were on the Angels disabled list, and how many spots the Cowboys had moved down in this week’s NFL power rankings.

“I bet there’s a whole room filled with Ryan Braun’s career statistics,” said Bimel, pacing back and forth in the reception area. “I know they have all that stuff. I want to get back there and check it out. Just to learn how many homers he’s hit. Plus it would be really cool to look at his different batting average over the years.”

Estimating the journey to ESPN headquarters took approximately seven hours, Bimel told reporters that visiting the cable network had saved him a telephone call to his brother to learn about the scores.

“I could have called Jeff, but I wanted to find out if the Reds clinched a playoff spot or who won the game between the Yankees and Blue Jays, and he usually doesn’t know that stuff,” Bimel said. “It’s really convenient to have one place to go to so you can find out which NFL teams are playing this Sunday or how many yards the San Diego Chargers offense is averaging per game.”

“And the CNN/SI website doesn’t really have all the info I want,” Bimel added.

Bimel confirmed that several of his buddies had asked him to find out how many touchdowns Aaron Rodgers has so far and his 11-year-old son, an Indians fan, had requested the score from the Minnesota-Cleveland game. In addition, Bimel promised his wife that he would search for when the WNBA season starts while he was at ESPN’s main office.

Before leaving, the Wisconsin native said he inquired about taking some of the scores or stats home so he wouldn’t forget them.

“It’d be great if I could have stats, highlights, and scores right in my living room,” Bimel told an ESPN employee. “I’ll see if I can get some of those so I don’t have to come back in a month. I don’t want to put you out or anything.”

As of press time, Bimel had reportedly missed his flight home and was driving to NFL headquarters in New York City to see Joe Montana.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close