Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores

BRISTOL, CT—Curious to know the results of the previous day’s action across the world of sports, 42-year-old electrician Gary Bimel reportedly made the 939-mile journey from his home in Kenosha, WI to ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT on Thursday in order to check the latest scores.

Sources confirmed that after spending $534 on airfare to Hartford, renting a car, and gaining admission to the cable sports provider’s massive compound, Bimel found his way to the visitor’s center, where he made his request to look at all the scores and highlights.

“Between football starting and the pennant races heating up in baseball, there are so many games happening that I figured I’d make it easy on myself and just come straight to ESPN so I could see all the latest scores,” Bimel was overheard asking a receptionist. “And highlights, too. I know you have a lot of those. I want to know about the NFL, and you have a ton of that information.”

Bimmel, a father of four, said he traveled halfway across the country to find out the final score of the Giants-Rockies game, the results of the Georgia-Missouri college football matchup from Sept. 8, and whether the Brewers beat the Pirates.

While waiting in the lobby of ESPN headquarters, Bimel frequently asked for reports on Thursday’s Baltimore Ravens practice, which players were on the Angels disabled list, and how many spots the Cowboys had moved down in this week’s NFL power rankings.

“I bet there’s a whole room filled with Ryan Braun’s career statistics,” said Bimel, pacing back and forth in the reception area. “I know they have all that stuff. I want to get back there and check it out. Just to learn how many homers he’s hit. Plus it would be really cool to look at his different batting average over the years.”

Estimating the journey to ESPN headquarters took approximately seven hours, Bimel told reporters that visiting the cable network had saved him a telephone call to his brother to learn about the scores.

“I could have called Jeff, but I wanted to find out if the Reds clinched a playoff spot or who won the game between the Yankees and Blue Jays, and he usually doesn’t know that stuff,” Bimel said. “It’s really convenient to have one place to go to so you can find out which NFL teams are playing this Sunday or how many yards the San Diego Chargers offense is averaging per game.”

“And the CNN/SI website doesn’t really have all the info I want,” Bimel added.

Bimel confirmed that several of his buddies had asked him to find out how many touchdowns Aaron Rodgers has so far and his 11-year-old son, an Indians fan, had requested the score from the Minnesota-Cleveland game. In addition, Bimel promised his wife that he would search for when the WNBA season starts while he was at ESPN’s main office.

Before leaving, the Wisconsin native said he inquired about taking some of the scores or stats home so he wouldn’t forget them.

“It’d be great if I could have stats, highlights, and scores right in my living room,” Bimel told an ESPN employee. “I’ll see if I can get some of those so I don’t have to come back in a month. I don’t want to put you out or anything.”

As of press time, Bimel had reportedly missed his flight home and was driving to NFL headquarters in New York City to see Joe Montana.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close