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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Sports Going Through Slump

NEW YORK—With its confidence fading, its fans dissatisfied, and without a notable success since the Stanley Cup finals, sports is officially suffering an agonizing slump.

"Whether it's a mental fatigue, a lack of emotional involvement, or simply its age beginning to keep up with it, sports simply hasn't been able to do anything whatsoever for quite. a while now," said noted sports psychologist Dr. David Grand, who tracks sports' annual performance and says this may be the worst year for the recreational activity since it went professional in the early 20th century. "Whatever the reason, sports has just been falling flat on its face for the better part of a year."

Although experts differ on the exact length of the slump thus far, with some saying that the Steelers' Super Bowl was the last real hit sports had while others go as far back as the Michael Vick dogfighting arrest for the slumps' beginning, most generally agree that there is no end in sight.

"Just look at the last month alone: Sosa and performance-enhancing drugs, a much-hyped Kobe/LeBron NBA finals that embarrassingly didn't pan out, hockey playoffs that no one cared about, Favre refuses to just go away, and NASCAR is fading," said Grand. "And sports used to be a five-tool distraction. Now it's striking out everywhere you look, and there seems to be no escape from its struggles. I mean, I'm trying to not even pay attention to boxing."

Even in its minor, more niche categories—areas that once added flavor and dimension to its reputation—sports is struggling. The cash-strapped WNBA recently signed a deal to allow sponsor logos on its game jerseys, IndyCar racing is adrift and having its least interesting season in years, and, some say most humiliating of all, professional wrestling continues to be relatively popular.

"Slumps are as mysterious as they are tough," said Dale Gregory, Duke university's director of sports studies. "The problem sports has now is not to become preoccupied and anxious, not to obsess about what went wrong with Chad Ochocinco, not to get worked up about how Pacman Jones won't go away, not to fixate on Yao Ming's injury. Sports just has to relax and do what it does best. Have a Yankees/Red Sox ALCS, maybe. People like that."

Others say sports has been relying too much on its standard formulas and is in a rut just as much as a slump. "The unprecedented growth of its popularity in the early part of the decade made sports think it could do no wrong. Now, it doesn't know how to deal with the reality," says sports analyst Meghan Carlton. "We should have seen the warning signs back when sports drifted into self-destructive, risk-taking behavior like tournament poker and ultimate fighting. Sure, it's still involved with golf and tennis, but that doesn't mean it hasn't developed a dark side."

Those close to sports hope that the new NFL season will help sports snap out of whatever is holding it back, barring a highly unlikely spate of exciting late-summer baseball. Others are not certain that resuming its old routine is what sports needs, or would indeed be good for its long-term health.

"Frankly, sports is showing all the signs of being an overworked, overstressed field of human endeavor," Grand says. "Frankly, it's been doing double duty for years, probably since the collapse of religion. It should reaffirm itself, concentrate on its games, and stop trying to be all things to all people. Otherwise, sports will just have to give up for good and leave us with nothing but arts and literature. No one wants to see that."

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