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'Sports Illustrated' Sends Out Army Of Peter Kings To Cover NFL Training Camp

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Television

'Sports Illustrated' Sends Out Army Of Peter Kings To Cover NFL Training Camp

NEW YORK—Looking to cover every possible angle of NFL training camp, Sports Illustrated has once again unleashed its army of 350,000 Peter King clones on the preseason workout facilities of all 32 NFL teams.

Marching in lockstep, dressed in identical turquoise polo shirts and khaki pants while carrying reporter's notebooks in their left hands, the legion of indistinguishable sports journalists all reportedly maintain the same smile 24 hours a day, blink at the exact same time, and ask football-related questions in unison.

According to Sports Illustrated officials, there are currently 10,000 Peter King clones at each NFL training camp, with the remaining 30,000 assigned to Terrell Owens.

"The King simulacra are a very effective journalism tool," Sports Illustrated's assistant managing editor B.J. Schecter told reporters Friday, adding that no single human being could file six extensive training-camp reports in a one-week span. "At any given moment we might receive 84,000 different news items from 20 different training camps. These files are then uploaded directly from the on-the-ground clones to the Mother King, which hosts Peter King Prime's original brain."

Located in Sports Illustrated's spring-training laboratory, the Mother King is suspended 200 feet above the stainless-steel floor, floating in a glass container of cerebral fluid. By using an intricate network of thermionic tubes, King's technician-attendants interface the brain with the publication's mainframe computer to upload training camp reports directly to SI.com in perfect Monday Morning Quarterback form.

"Observe," said Schecter, gesturing to a series of visible electric pulses transmitted by the brain through conductive tubing to the computer, which in turn immediately generated a 340-page printout. "Right now we are getting the fallout from the Dez Bryant situation in Dallas, a report on how Ben Roethlisberger's teammates are responding to him in Pittsburgh, and a personal anecdote about how the Peter Kings are back to drinking triple-grande hazelnut lattes on their current road trip."

According to NFL teams, multiple Kings can be seen on the field, off the field, talking to fans, talking to coaches, and typing on their computers all at the same time. While this creates optimal training-camp coverage, players and fans have complained that looking around and seeing a swarm of identical human beings occupying every spare inch of their facility can be disturbing.

In addition, players have told reporters they do not enjoy being woken up every morning at 4:30 a.m. by the sound of 20,000 simultaneous footsteps marching into their respective camps.

"They all write in their notebooks at the exact same time," said Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, adding that he was put off when an array of Peter Kings approached him in the locker room, extended their arms, and said "Hello, Mark. I'm Peter. Care to answer some questions?" in half-human, half-robotic voices. "I was relieved when the interview was over. But when I got onto the field there were 250 more Kings waiting for me who said, 'Hello, Mark. I'm Peter. How would you assess the offense this year?'"

"Peter King is everywhere," Sanchez added.

"It's definitely creepy," Houston Texans running back Steve Slaton said. "The sight of 400 Peter King heads following my every cut and juke in perfect unison is just bizarre. Especially because his eyes don't move. Just his head, like a lizard. But the fact that the Texans are getting any media attention whatsoever, even from a hive-mind-controlled group of identical robotic sports reporters programmed to cover us, is actually kind of nice."

Built in 2003 by aging sportswriter and genius cybergeneticist Dr. Frank Deford, the King duplicates originated from reproduced skin grafts and body parts of the late Peter King, a Sports Illustrated football journalist who died of a heart attack in 2002 while taping a segment for Inside The NFL.

Deford, also referred to as "Father" by all Peter King clones, was unavailable to comment for this article. However, in a 2007 interview with HBO's Real Sports, a gaunt, sallow-looking Deford can be seen gazing almost rapturously at 200,000 hibernating clones and calling them "a perfect sports-journalist superorganism capable of carrying out its design function flawlessly and effortlessly."

He later orders the cameras to stop rolling when it appears as if one of the Peter King clones has lifted his head and is unexpectedly becoming operational.

Deford has not been seen since.

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