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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Sports Journalist Told To Write Some Slop About Baseball Healing Boston

BOSTON—Ahead of Wednesday’s potential World Series–clinching Game 6 matchup between the Red Sox and Cardinals, sources confirmed that Los Angeles Times sports editor Sam Poyet instructed journalist Ross Martinez to quickly throw together some slop about baseball helping the city of Boston heal from this year’s tragic marathon bombings. “Just shit out like six or seven hundred words’ worth of melodramatic sludge about how the whole city has been galvanized by their team and how baseball offers a way for Bostonians to slowly move on from tragedy,” said Poyet, adding that Martinez should definitely churn out a couple paragraphs of muck contrasting the overwhelming terror pervading Boston during the aftermath of the bombings to the especially emotional and impassioned atmosphere at Fenway Park this season. “Don’t forget to mention the ‘Boston Strong’ rallying cry, the club’s tributes to victims during each game, and how this is all about much more than just baseball. And, I don’t know, a little section about the players saying some heartwarming gunk about how much this means to the people of Boston. Then maybe round off the whole sentimental garbage heap with something about how no matter what, the day will never be forgotten. Oh, and something where you use the phrase ‘the wounded heart of a proud city.’ Just throw it all in the trough; they’ll eat it up.” Poyet added that the giant mound of histrionic, exploitative glop should probably start off with the sentence, “The morning of April 15, 2013 wasn’t much different from any other in downtown Boston.”

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