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Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard

NEW YORK—The death and subsequent overly sentimental eulogizing of longtime Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard has left sportswriting's maudlin stockpiles almost completely exhausted, sources at the Baseball Writers Association of America reported Wednesday. "We knew Sheppard's passing would cause sports journalists throughout the country to nearly tap our national maudlin supply, and now, with the sappy memorializing of Sheppard as an icon of a simpler time; the almost mawkish comparisons of him to DiMaggio, Berra, and Mantle; and the excessive use of melodramatic closing sentences in the nation's sports columns, there is simply no more maudlin in reserve," BBWAA president Bob Dutton said. "We may have to change the entire way we write about sports, at least until our weepy-self-indulgence levels return to normal." Sources at all major sports news outlets claimed the problem has been developing for some time, with maudlin supplies already overtaxed by the death of John Wooden and the uncontrolled gusher of crude, unrefined maudlin that has been leaking from Rick Reilly since 1994.

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