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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard

NEW YORK—The death and subsequent overly sentimental eulogizing of longtime Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard has left sportswriting's maudlin stockpiles almost completely exhausted, sources at the Baseball Writers Association of America reported Wednesday. "We knew Sheppard's passing would cause sports journalists throughout the country to nearly tap our national maudlin supply, and now, with the sappy memorializing of Sheppard as an icon of a simpler time; the almost mawkish comparisons of him to DiMaggio, Berra, and Mantle; and the excessive use of melodramatic closing sentences in the nation's sports columns, there is simply no more maudlin in reserve," BBWAA president Bob Dutton said. "We may have to change the entire way we write about sports, at least until our weepy-self-indulgence levels return to normal." Sources at all major sports news outlets claimed the problem has been developing for some time, with maudlin supplies already overtaxed by the death of John Wooden and the uncontrolled gusher of crude, unrefined maudlin that has been leaking from Rick Reilly since 1994.

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