adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Sports Media Not Sure How It Going To Fit Super Bowl Coverage Into Just 2 Short Weeks

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Lamenting that there simply isn’t enough time to properly analyze the infinite facets of the upcoming championship game, sources within sports media confessed to reporters Tuesday that they aren’t sure how they can possibly fit such a wide breadth of unique and entirely indispensable Super Bowl XLVIII coverage into just two short weeks. “You’re telling me we’re supposed to somehow hit the thousands upon thousands of pertinent and absolutely vital topics accompanying this pivotal Seahawks-Broncos title matchup in only 14 days—are you kidding me?" said SportsCenter executive producer Mark Gross, estimating that it would, under normal circumstances, take him and his colleagues several years to even begin addressing such thought-provoking matters as how the cold temperatures at the Meadowlands could impact gameplay; Richard Sherman’s potentially hostile relationship with the Denver fans; and what a second ring might mean for Peyton Manning’s legacy. “As it stands, even with round-the-clock coverage between now and next Sunday, there are simply more angles than we can possibly address. Everything we want—nay, need—to say about this game is all so very important, but we just don’t have the time to give it the attention it deserves.” Gross confirmed that the challenge of properly covering the Super Bowl will be made all the more difficult by sheer density of the material, which will inevitably force football pundits to repeat the same talking points dozens of times in the coming days.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close