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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

CITY DESPERATELY NEEDING A WIN—Despite his sudden rise from obscurity to become a record-breaking performer, a handsome and seemingly flawless sports film protagonist learned some tragic news Tuesday, completely altering perspectives on the night's championship game. "After he pulled us through that rough patch earlier this season and almost single-handedly turned the team around, it appeared as if we were destined for greatness," said the protagonist's coach, a supporting but important character who is helping the protagonist fulfill his character arc, and who recently got a new lease on life after conquering his problem with alcohol. "But after this, in order to come out on top, we're going to need a kind of performance that challenges our very belief in the power of the human spirit. In fact, I'll just say it: We need a miracle." As of press time, the protagonist was sitting alone at his locker and staring at a photo of his father, while outside, his formerly scorned love interest reportedly pleaded with ticket-takers to let her in.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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