adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through

HOUSTON—In a study published Monday, several representatives from the Institute of Sports Psychology advanced the theory that Tiger Woods' recent string of poor performances may be directly tied to all the crazy shit he's gone through over the past two years. "It's always difficult to analyze somebody from a distance, but when assessing Tiger's struggles on the golf course, it's hard to attribute it to anything besides the months-long shitstorm we watched him go through," said ISP director Robert Andrews, adding that his organization is conducting additional research to further map causal relations between diminished athletic achievement and fucked-up personal shit going on. "Failing to qualify for tournaments, finishing 15 strokes off the lead in 40th place—all that can be traced to reduced confidence and concentration from all the bullshit going on in your life." When asked about the diminished performance experienced by recently retired wide receiver Randy Moss, ISP psychologists said the seven-time Pro Bowler is just "completely fucked in the head."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close