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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through

HOUSTON—In a study published Monday, several representatives from the Institute of Sports Psychology advanced the theory that Tiger Woods' recent string of poor performances may be directly tied to all the crazy shit he's gone through over the past two years. "It's always difficult to analyze somebody from a distance, but when assessing Tiger's struggles on the golf course, it's hard to attribute it to anything besides the months-long shitstorm we watched him go through," said ISP director Robert Andrews, adding that his organization is conducting additional research to further map causal relations between diminished athletic achievement and fucked-up personal shit going on. "Failing to qualify for tournaments, finishing 15 strokes off the lead in 40th place—all that can be traced to reduced confidence and concentration from all the bullshit going on in your life." When asked about the diminished performance experienced by recently retired wide receiver Randy Moss, ISP psychologists said the seven-time Pro Bowler is just "completely fucked in the head."

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