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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through

HOUSTON—In a study published Monday, several representatives from the Institute of Sports Psychology advanced the theory that Tiger Woods' recent string of poor performances may be directly tied to all the crazy shit he's gone through over the past two years. "It's always difficult to analyze somebody from a distance, but when assessing Tiger's struggles on the golf course, it's hard to attribute it to anything besides the months-long shitstorm we watched him go through," said ISP director Robert Andrews, adding that his organization is conducting additional research to further map causal relations between diminished athletic achievement and fucked-up personal shit going on. "Failing to qualify for tournaments, finishing 15 strokes off the lead in 40th place—all that can be traced to reduced confidence and concentration from all the bullshit going on in your life." When asked about the diminished performance experienced by recently retired wide receiver Randy Moss, ISP psychologists said the seven-time Pro Bowler is just "completely fucked in the head."

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