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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Sports Section Tragically Missing

HAMILTON, OH–According to bathroom-bound Carlson & Streed Advertising executive Geoff Kimble, the sports section of Monday's Cincinnati Post is tragically missing. "Where is it? I just saw it here a couple of minutes ago," said Kimble, 31, combing through the various newspaper sections scattered across the Carlson & Streed reception desk. "Everything is here but sports. Did somebody take it to their desk and not return it? Shit." A devastated Kimble eventually took the Home & Living section to the first-floor men's room.

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