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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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'Sports' Wins 11th Consecutive ESPY For 'Best Thing'

LAS VEGAS—As expected, Wednesday night's ESPN awards culminated in a win for the recreational competitive activity 'Sports' in the Best Thing category, soundly beating perennial runners-up Girls, Food and Beverages, and Consumer Electronics for the 11th consecutive year and 18th year overall. "It was really great to hand the award over to Sports, which as you know has only lost once, to Steak with Mashed Potatoes in 2000," said George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN Inc, who went on to add that being a 'Sports' fan himself was one of the main reasons he agreed to produce the ESPYs. "Of course, that was a bad year for sports, and a really good one for steak." Sports could not attend the award ceremony in person, but arranged for former professional basketball player Michael Jordan to accept the trophy because of his strong, 40-year relationship with sports.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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