adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sports World Limping Toward Football Opener Like Mortally Wounded Deer

HAGERSTOWN, MD—With Major League Baseball's postseason still a month out and college football weeks away from conference play, the sports world continues to stagger toward the NFL's opening kickoff like a gut-shot doe spewing blood from its mouth and keening piteously with its last ragged breaths, sources reported Tuesday. "I can't wait for kickoff," one torpid fan told reporters while staring blankly at a TV screen showing a pointless Angels-Mariners game, a listless nine-inning contest that mimicked a deer's struggle to ride out the searing pain in its shredded viscera and drag itself to a sheltered spot to die. "It's about time." The NFL season will begin Thursday night as the Vikings-Saints game gets underway, with the majesty of a great hornèd stag silhouetted against the moon as it pauses to glance back over its rippling haunches before coursing once more toward freedom across vast and verdant fields, at 7:30 p.m. CDT in the Superdome.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close