Sportscaster Claims You Hate To See That

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Vol 42 Issue 52

President Ford Dead

President Gerald Ford, our nation's 38th President, died Tuesday at the age of 93 at his desert home in California. What do you think?

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series

ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere...

Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC

A small plane piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle hit a Manhattan high-rise apartment building Wednesday. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Sportscaster Claims You Hate To See That

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clip airing on the 6 p.m., 8 p.m., and 11 p.m. broadcasts of SportsCenter, ESPN anchor Chris Berman claimed that “a devastating injury of that nature is not what fans come to see,” in reference to a vicious slide-tackle that left an unidentified soccer player writhing on the pitch as his shattered tibia and fibula jutted through his skin, shin-guard, and knee-high sock. “He’s going to feel that one in the morning,” Berman said over the deafening roar of the crowd and the sound effect of a snapping tree branch. “Ouch.” Berman, who has in the past suggested that you never want to watch a backcountry skier smack into a series of exposed rocks or a rally car hurtling out of control into a crowd of helpless spectators, added that he was “glad we can put this behind us” after the clip had been shown from several different angles in slow motion.

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