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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set

BRISTOL, CT—SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt announced Monday that, even though his job requires him to be knowledgeable and conversant on a variety of professional sports and sports-related issues, he would rather people not even broach the subject with him when he's not on the air. "I don't like to take my work home with me, or to the supermarket, or to the hardware store, or anywhere else where people are constantly approaching me to ask my opinion on their favorite team or some big story in the sports world," Van Pelt said. "My job is just like any other 9 to 5, 6 to 7:30, 11 to midnight, or 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. I don't ask plumbers about plumbing when I happen to run into them on the bus, especially when they're clearly trying to get some rest." Van Pelt's co-anchor Trey Wingo said he wouldn't mind discussing sports with people, but mostly because he just wants someone to talk to.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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