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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set

BRISTOL, CT—SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt announced Monday that, even though his job requires him to be knowledgeable and conversant on a variety of professional sports and sports-related issues, he would rather people not even broach the subject with him when he's not on the air. "I don't like to take my work home with me, or to the supermarket, or to the hardware store, or anywhere else where people are constantly approaching me to ask my opinion on their favorite team or some big story in the sports world," Van Pelt said. "My job is just like any other 9 to 5, 6 to 7:30, 11 to midnight, or 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. I don't ask plumbers about plumbing when I happen to run into them on the bus, especially when they're clearly trying to get some rest." Van Pelt's co-anchor Trey Wingo said he wouldn't mind discussing sports with people, but mostly because he just wants someone to talk to.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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