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Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set

BRISTOL, CT—SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt announced Monday that, even though his job requires him to be knowledgeable and conversant on a variety of professional sports and sports-related issues, he would rather people not even broach the subject with him when he's not on the air. "I don't like to take my work home with me, or to the supermarket, or to the hardware store, or anywhere else where people are constantly approaching me to ask my opinion on their favorite team or some big story in the sports world," Van Pelt said. "My job is just like any other 9 to 5, 6 to 7:30, 11 to midnight, or 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. I don't ask plumbers about plumbing when I happen to run into them on the bus, especially when they're clearly trying to get some rest." Van Pelt's co-anchor Trey Wingo said he wouldn't mind discussing sports with people, but mostly because he just wants someone to talk to.

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