adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Spouse Under Fire For Telling Anecdote Wrong

FLORENCE, SC–Allegations of improper vacation-anecdote-recounting were leveled Monday against area spouse Maria Courtnall. "Honey, you got it wrong again," said husband Willard after Maria went straight from the part about the cab driver to the thing at the hotel. "It's crucial to mention that we saw that billboard on the way to the hotel. Remember the billboard? Otherwise, the story doesn't make any sense." Maria insisted that she would have mentioned the billboard in due time.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close