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Spring is a Great Time for Sex

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Spring is a Great Time for Sex

A Seasonal Message From The Onion

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of the coldest and hardest months. In or-der for this heal-ing process to be carried out as quickly as pos-sible, The Onion appeals to the citizenry to do their duty by taking a good, long, deep breath; rolling up their sleeves; and getting to work on their fucking.

For nearly half a year we have been cooped up inside, usually with the same few people, rebreathing the same stale air and wearing too many bulky clothes. The slow hands of despair have crushed our hearts in a deathgrip of windchill and the soul–killing reek of unwashed scarves. Now, spring is here, bringing with it the most fuck-conducive weather there is. When the air is narcotically fresh and warm but the ground is lousy with mud and thawing dog crap, it’s time to go back inside, throw those windows open, tear those stifling dusty blankets off the bed, and commence fucking! You’ll be glad you did.

Everyone knows that, for pure fun, you can’t beat the simple good times to be had while fucking. There are few thoughts the human mind enjoys thinking as much as, “Hey! It’s spring and I’m fucking!” Awkward differences between individuals disappear when those people take to fucking, and suddenly little things like divergent musical tastes, conflicting political philosophies or incompatible peer groups don’t seem to matter a tinker’s damn. What matters is the jolly fucking and the fact that the snow has gone away. Life can be reduced to its essentials and a sense of perspective can be regained, all thanks to the power of fucking.

In our national struggle to end the winter doldrums, we must not ignore the fact that the power of fucking and the healing power of spring are actually one and the same. Chaucer, Thoreau, and Winston Churchill each praised the power of spring in his own time, but their praise is really meant to celebrate the transcendent power of fucking in a world magically changed by the seasons. All of nature feels the call of spring whispered softly in the ears of beast and bird alike: “Spring is here– let’s fuck!” For much of nature, this is a method of replacing members of the species lost over the long winter. Fortunately, our species has recently advanced to the point where we are no longer required to use fucking for purely reproductive purposes. Properly executed, fucking is a celebration of life akin to spring itself. We are truly fortunate to be able to include fucking in the bag of tricks which makes us human.

Please, take the afternoon off, take out those storm windows, take off your clothes, and fuck! None of this smarmy “lovemaking,” please, and none of that brutish “porking,” either. Just good old athletic fucking, thank you very much!

Now, get fucking, citizens, and put an end to this spiritual malaise that threatens to end our very way of life.

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