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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Sprinter Sends In Home Video Of Self Beating 100-Meter World Record

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—A group of sprinters, Olympic executives, and track-and-field referees gathered at the Comité International Olympique in Lausanne Wednesday to watch a homemade VHS tape produced by Portland, OR resident Craig Seybold in which Seybold appears to defeat Usain Bolt's current record time of 9.72 seconds. "Though there were some odd discontinuities in this tape, we were able to see almost the entirety Mr. Seybold's 8.94-second elapsed time in the 100-meter dash," said Olympic head referee and scorekeeper Walter Night, who immediately recorded the high score on the IOC website. "We realize that Usain Bolt has proven himself at public races, but we're going to count this as an official submission for Seybold and salute him for coming out of nowhere to become 100-meter champion. In the future, if Usain [Bolt] wants to send us a video of himself setting a new record from his garage, we'd be happy to look at that, too." Bolt has reportedly contacted Seybold and requested the loan of his video equipment.

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