A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—A group of sprinters, Olympic executives, and track-and-field referees gathered at the Comité International Olympique in Lausanne Wednesday to watch a homemade VHS tape produced by Portland, OR resident Craig Seybold in which Seybold appears to defeat Usain Bolt's current record time of 9.72 seconds. "Though there were some odd discontinuities in this tape, we were able to see almost the entirety Mr. Seybold's 8.94-second elapsed time in the 100-meter dash," said Olympic head referee and scorekeeper Walter Night, who immediately recorded the high score on the IOC website. "We realize that Usain Bolt has proven himself at public races, but we're going to count this as an official submission for Seybold and salute him for coming out of nowhere to become 100-meter champion. In the future, if Usain [Bolt] wants to send us a video of himself setting a new record from his garage, we'd be happy to look at that, too." Bolt has reportedly contacted Seybold and requested the loan of his video equipment.