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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Sprinter Sends In Home Video Of Self Beating 100-Meter World Record

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—A group of sprinters, Olympic executives, and track-and-field referees gathered at the Comité International Olympique in Lausanne Wednesday to watch a homemade VHS tape produced by Portland, OR resident Craig Seybold in which Seybold appears to defeat Usain Bolt's current record time of 9.72 seconds. "Though there were some odd discontinuities in this tape, we were able to see almost the entirety Mr. Seybold's 8.94-second elapsed time in the 100-meter dash," said Olympic head referee and scorekeeper Walter Night, who immediately recorded the high score on the IOC website. "We realize that Usain Bolt has proven himself at public races, but we're going to count this as an official submission for Seybold and salute him for coming out of nowhere to become 100-meter champion. In the future, if Usain [Bolt] wants to send us a video of himself setting a new record from his garage, we'd be happy to look at that, too." Bolt has reportedly contacted Seybold and requested the loan of his video equipment.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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