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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Spud Webb Getting Smaller And Smaller Every Time People Recount 1986 Dunk Contest

ATLANTA—In recent accounts of Spud Webb's astounding victory in the 1986 NBA Slam-Dunk Contest, basketball fans across the nation have reportedly exaggerated the diminutive point guard's size by greatly diminishing his height with each retelling of the event. "I totally remember he was like 3-foot-5-inches tall and he did this amazing 180-degree reverse double-pump slam," Hawks fan Eric Davis said of the 5-foot-7 Webb, who was 4-foot-9 and dunked from the foul line the last time Davis told the story. "Spud really wasn't much bigger than a basketball. He just blew everybody away in the final round when he rode into the arena on a hamster, ripped off his G.I. Joe doll uniform warm-up pants, threw the ball at the backboard, ran between a small child's legs, jumped up to Dominique Wilkins' palm, and springboarded off it to do a 360-degree two-handed dunk." Sources later confirmed that on the rare occasion that people talk about Nate Robinson's dunk contests, the Knicks guard remains 5-foot-9 inches tall, as nobody really cares enough to exaggerate his exploits.

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