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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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St. Louis Mayor Has Sad Little Plan For Turning City Into High-Tech Hub

ST. LOUIS—In what appears to be a completely earnest attempt to revitalize a sluggish local economy, St. Louis mayor Francis G. Slay unveiled Thursday a detailed, ambitious, and truly depressing plan to turn his city into a major technology hub. “We’re going to show America, and the rest of world, just how innovative and cutting-edge St. Louis can be,” said the mayor, who displayed genuine optimism as he outlined a desperate strategy to woo major players in the high-tech sector with a sad little series of subsidies and tax incentives his city cannot afford. “When I look around St. Louis, I see nothing but possibility. Don’t be surprised if, within a few years, our crumbling warehouses are home to the nation’s hottest social media startups, and our abandoned rail yards are replaced with a world-class biotech research center. Get ready, because the future is happening right here!” The mayor ended his presentation by pleading with reporters to dub the hopelessly untenable project “St. Louis 2.0.”

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