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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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St. Louis Rams Threaten To Leave Town Unless Taxpayers Personally Build Stadium With Bare Hands

ST. LOUIS—Emphasizing that a new venue to replace the 19-year-old Edward Jones Dome is an absolute necessity, St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke revealed Monday that the team will be forced to relocate as soon as 2016 unless taxpayers build a new stadium with their bare hands. “We want to keep Rams football in St. Louis, but realistically, we can’t continue operating here unless the city’s taxpayers agree to lay a 1.3-million-square-foot concrete foundation and then construct the new stadium by hand,” said Kroenke, adding that his proposal for a state-of-the-art riverfront stadium would require at least 22 months of manual labor from each of the 320,000 residents living in St. Louis. “The facts are simple: The people of St. Louis must be prepared to personally erect the arena’s 14,000-ton steel structure, raise and paint the 30-story-tall stadium walls, screw in each of the 80,000 seats, and install a retractable roof—all while using only basic hand tools, which we would be willing to provide. Otherwise, we’ll have to consider the possibility of moving the Rams elsewhere.” At press time, sources confirmed that Kroenke’s proposal was unanimously approved by the St. Louis city council.


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