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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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St. Louis Rams Threaten To Leave Town Unless Taxpayers Personally Build Stadium With Bare Hands

ST. LOUIS—Emphasizing that a new venue to replace the 19-year-old Edward Jones Dome is an absolute necessity, St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke revealed Monday that the team will be forced to relocate as soon as 2016 unless taxpayers build a new stadium with their bare hands. “We want to keep Rams football in St. Louis, but realistically, we can’t continue operating here unless the city’s taxpayers agree to lay a 1.3-million-square-foot concrete foundation and then construct the new stadium by hand,” said Kroenke, adding that his proposal for a state-of-the-art riverfront stadium would require at least 22 months of manual labor from each of the 320,000 residents living in St. Louis. “The facts are simple: The people of St. Louis must be prepared to personally erect the arena’s 14,000-ton steel structure, raise and paint the 30-story-tall stadium walls, screw in each of the 80,000 seats, and install a retractable roof—all while using only basic hand tools, which we would be willing to provide. Otherwise, we’ll have to consider the possibility of moving the Rams elsewhere.” At press time, sources confirmed that Kroenke’s proposal was unanimously approved by the St. Louis city council.


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