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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Stadium Bursts Out Laughing After Jamie Moyer Pitch

PHILADELPHIA—A subpar season during which Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has amassed a five-plus ERA and been demoted to the bullpen got worse Sunday after the 46-year-old veteran uncorked a 73-mph fastball, eliciting spontaneous laughter and giggles from each of the 43,489 fans at Citizens Bank Park. "I thought it was the most hilarious joke, but then I saw the look on his face and I realized he was serious," said attendee Matthew King, who added that he was barely able to keep a straight face for the rest of the game. "When the pitch speed didn't even register on the scoreboard, beer literally shot out my nose. My entire section was doubled over. Even the batter [Mark Reynolds] was just crying laughing." Immediately following the pitch, a tearful Moyer sprinted off the field and yelled at manager Charlie Manuel, saying that it was Manuel's fault that he was on the mound in the first place.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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