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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Stadium Bursts Out Laughing After Jamie Moyer Pitch

PHILADELPHIA—A subpar season during which Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has amassed a five-plus ERA and been demoted to the bullpen got worse Sunday after the 46-year-old veteran uncorked a 73-mph fastball, eliciting spontaneous laughter and giggles from each of the 43,489 fans at Citizens Bank Park. "I thought it was the most hilarious joke, but then I saw the look on his face and I realized he was serious," said attendee Matthew King, who added that he was barely able to keep a straight face for the rest of the game. "When the pitch speed didn't even register on the scoreboard, beer literally shot out my nose. My entire section was doubled over. Even the batter [Mark Reynolds] was just crying laughing." Immediately following the pitch, a tearful Moyer sprinted off the field and yelled at manager Charlie Manuel, saying that it was Manuel's fault that he was on the mound in the first place.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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