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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Stadium Humors Old Man On Stage, Sings Along to 'Hey Jude'

PHILADELPHIA—Not wanting to be rude or hurt the man’s feelings, the thousands assembled at Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday good-naturedly humored a 70-year-old performer who requested they sing along to “Hey Jude,” a song he had written. “I felt bad for the poor guy—he’d been up on stage a really long time, so I figured the least I could was sing a few ‘na-na-nas’ for him,” said 37-year-old attendee Kevin Walker, who admitted it was “really hard” to watch the musician stand up from the piano, hold his microphone out toward the audience, and listen expectantly. “Fifteen times through the chorus was a bit much, but he seemed to get a kick out of it, so no harm done.” Crowd member Brenda Carlton also cheered along complacently, saying, “I’m always looking for ways to teach my kids the value of being polite and, above all, patient.”

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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