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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Stadium Humors Old Man On Stage, Sings Along to 'Hey Jude'

PHILADELPHIA—Not wanting to be rude or hurt the man’s feelings, the thousands assembled at Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday good-naturedly humored a 70-year-old performer who requested they sing along to “Hey Jude,” a song he had written. “I felt bad for the poor guy—he’d been up on stage a really long time, so I figured the least I could was sing a few ‘na-na-nas’ for him,” said 37-year-old attendee Kevin Walker, who admitted it was “really hard” to watch the musician stand up from the piano, hold his microphone out toward the audience, and listen expectantly. “Fifteen times through the chorus was a bit much, but he seemed to get a kick out of it, so no harm done.” Crowd member Brenda Carlton also cheered along complacently, saying, “I’m always looking for ways to teach my kids the value of being polite and, above all, patient.”

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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