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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Staff Members Under New Defense Secretary Wondering If They Still Get Summers Off

WASHINGTON, DC—The recent departure of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary Of Defense has reportedly left his former staff noticeably tense and preoccupied in anticipation of the sweeping changes his successor is likely to bring. "At first I didn't care what the new guy [Robert Gates] had in mind, just so long as punch-in was still noon, shoes remained optional, and we were given plenty of time to keep up with our multiplayer online gaming," said Assistant To The Secretary Of Defense For Nuclear And Chemical & Biological Defense Programs Dale Klein, adding that he hoped Gates would not break the May 12-to-Oct. 1-summer-vacation tradition. "First thing today, though, I walk in and someone hands me a briefing on joint-transformational delivery-system initiatives that they just absolutely need me to read right away. Not a good sign." Several staffers also expressed concern that a recent memo urging them to construct a viable exit strategy for American military personnel in Iraq could affect their regular Margarita Mondays.

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