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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Staff Of New Thai Restaurant Desperately Hoping Area Couple Will Try Eating There Sometime

RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters Tuesday, staff members of local Thai restaurant Lemongrass expressed their earnest hope that area couple Eric Barstow and Jennifer Dumont would notice the newly opened establishment and mention aloud to one another their desire to try eating there sometime. “All we want is for Eric and Jen to pause on the sidewalk, mention how they haven’t seen this place before, and then spend a few moments looking at the menu in our window and pointing out a few items they think sound good,” said waitress Bua Nantakarn, who also noted her and her colleagues’ fervent wish that Dumont peek through one of the eatery’s windows and comment that it looked cute inside. “And we’re really hoping they remark on how they haven’t had Thai in a while before pledging to give us a shot at some indefinite point in the future. That would really mean so much to us.” At press time, cashier Ditaka Chartpong had nervously exited the restaurant and gazed up and down the street for some sign of the couple.

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